Spotlight

It's been a while since I posted, and as most of you know I have been quite happily putting energy into a new relationship. So far, its amazing, and I will write more on that later. But right now I am finding that as I open myself up more to him, old demons are coming back to haunt me. The spotlight is back on, so to speak, highlighting all my insecurities and fears with a vengeance. I needed to vent, and so, here we go.

I have had four significant relationships. The first one, Bobby, was a ridiculous mess, and we both behaved in quite shameful behavior. But, we had made peace with that, and moved forward as friends, when his death sent a shockwave through me and left me with a sense of guilt. I am still working through that.

Number two was Colin, who I fell quite madly in love with and opened my heart completely to him. It wasn't long in the relationship when he cheated on me, and effectively I learned how to shut down my heart enough so that I wouldn't get hurt like that again.

Number three I met while still with Colin, but it was after we kept breaking up and getting back together, and I think that I was still punishing him for hurting me. I really wish I had the sense then that I do now to recognize my own sabotage, because things may have turned out differently. Well, Brian came along and was fun and new, and I fell into that pretty quickly. But, here's the caveat. I never let him in the way I did with Colin, I always maintained a wall of sorts. I even noticed some red flags with him right away, but I think I wanted that. If I knew he had big faults, then I kept the upper hand, then he could never hurt me too bad. Totally screwed up right? And let me tell you, that plan majorly backfired when he turned out to be a lying mental mess. And I still got hurt.

Number four was Barry, who was a great guy, but was so safe. I never let him in, because I knew he would never understand me. After Brian, I needed safe and he fit the bill, but his lack of making me a priority proved to be too much to handle.

I have been blogging since Barry and I broke up, since I realized that my inner journey to self contentment was my major priority. I have come a long way. But now, with love rising over the horizon, I see all my old fears coming out of the shadows.

My fear of not being important enough to someone. My fear of getting betrayed, of being lied to, cheated on, ignored, etc. It all comes down to the fear that this person that I hold so dearly will not feel the same, that I will somehow be found lacking, like I feel everyone else has found me to be. I won't be good enough for this person, and my heart, which is so tender, so sensitive, will once again go back into hiding.

This is my plea, god. Let me be able to open my heart fully again, to be vulnerable, to trust, and to realize that whomever I choose to do this with next will hold me in high enough regard to treat me gently. And let me choose wisely. Because right now my soul wants to be wide open, but the strong jaws of terror are keeping it locked down tight. And so, the battle begins.