I had a mild epiphany while driving to go dancing today, right after being turned down for refinancing because I have too much debt. I wanted to go right down the easy lane of anger at brian, anger at myself, and frustration at the way circumstances have turned out. But, then I realized, all of this mess, all of this life I call my own, is mine, and mine only. I own it. And the more I give it away to other people, the more I blame others, the less its mine.
So today, I am owning my life. All the crap, all the debt, all the regrets, they are mine. It was my bad choice to marry Brian, my decision to ignore my intuition, my passiveness that let him drag me down with him. All mine.
It's been a tough road. It will stay tough. But I feel like I am rising from the ashes. I wish I could say I felt like a grand phoenix taking flight, but really, it's more like I am digging myself out of a hole that I dug a long time ago, fell in, and recently decided to come up for air. My fingernails are black from dirt, my hair is matted together, and I am covered with bruises. But I made it.
There is a reason that vampires and zombies crawl out of the ground. They are, in a sense, reborn as something new. And so am I. I like to think we can get reborn as often as we choose, and so I choose to reinvent myself on a daily basis as someone who isn't afraid to live her life. To do so, I must accept the good with the bad, and then realize that good and bad are man made delusions.
I simply am. My life simply is. And the only thing we can control in this life is how we respond to it.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Guilt, the modern day oppressor
So far, I am pleased with this year. Out of the last 11 days, I have only missed one day at the gym. Already my flexibility is better than its been in about 15 years, and I am feeling more toned. I also had a ballroom dance lesson today, and gosh, I love it!!
But mainly, I am feeling free of an overriding emotion that until recently, I did not even know existed. And that would be...you guessed it..guilt! Great thanks go to my dad, who with his insight helped me realize what it was about, and how its been affecting me subconsciously.
It all started about 6 years ago when I got a phone call that my first love, Bobby, had died of a heroine overdose. We weren't together at that point, but we had remained close, and I still loved him. I think perhaps a part of me still believed we might one day get back together, once we both grew up a bit.
Well, that news took the ground away from me, and to say I was devastated might be an understatement. At the time I had just broken up with someone, but soon after got back together with them. While with him, I met my first husband, and broke up with the boyfriend to be with him. When that didn't work out, I soon after found another person to date seriously, and only recently did we break up. In other words I went from relationship to relationship, seeking something, and never finding it.
It was a simple comment, but a huge one, when my dad said a few months ago, "Maile, when are you going to stop trying to save Bobby?" And like all truths, it hit with a force that could have parted the skies. Because he was right, I found these good men but with obvious need of 'saving', and I tried to make up for what I believed could have been prevented If I had spent more time reaching out to Bobby.
Is that true? Could I have prevented his death? Who knows. I think anyone who has lost a person they love feels this. Could I have done more? Was I too selfish? How many other people around me are on the verge of relapse, of collapse, of barely making it through the day. I don't have to save him anymore, or save anyone else, but I do need to pay attention. And I need to help, when I can. In this way, I can tell Bobby that I miss him, that I'm sorry.
But mainly, I am feeling free of an overriding emotion that until recently, I did not even know existed. And that would be...you guessed it..guilt! Great thanks go to my dad, who with his insight helped me realize what it was about, and how its been affecting me subconsciously.
It all started about 6 years ago when I got a phone call that my first love, Bobby, had died of a heroine overdose. We weren't together at that point, but we had remained close, and I still loved him. I think perhaps a part of me still believed we might one day get back together, once we both grew up a bit.
Well, that news took the ground away from me, and to say I was devastated might be an understatement. At the time I had just broken up with someone, but soon after got back together with them. While with him, I met my first husband, and broke up with the boyfriend to be with him. When that didn't work out, I soon after found another person to date seriously, and only recently did we break up. In other words I went from relationship to relationship, seeking something, and never finding it.
It was a simple comment, but a huge one, when my dad said a few months ago, "Maile, when are you going to stop trying to save Bobby?" And like all truths, it hit with a force that could have parted the skies. Because he was right, I found these good men but with obvious need of 'saving', and I tried to make up for what I believed could have been prevented If I had spent more time reaching out to Bobby.
Is that true? Could I have prevented his death? Who knows. I think anyone who has lost a person they love feels this. Could I have done more? Was I too selfish? How many other people around me are on the verge of relapse, of collapse, of barely making it through the day. I don't have to save him anymore, or save anyone else, but I do need to pay attention. And I need to help, when I can. In this way, I can tell Bobby that I miss him, that I'm sorry.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
What the heck is tigli soup?
Over the summer, I attended an amazing week long buddhist meditation that addressed simple topics, like, reality and illusion, and how to see through the veil. It was life changing, both immediately and in the following months, but one of the biggest moments for me was the explanation of tigli.
In meditation, with your eyes open, once you reach certain states you will start to see manifestations of objects, light, and beings in the air around you. These manifestations are referred to as tigli. Not only is it normal to see these, but, is often a benchmark of progress.
When I heard this, years of uncertainty and doubt were stripped away, like stripping away disgusting wallpaper that's been hanging around far too long. Why was this such a big moment for me? Well, because I have a secret, that until that week, never came out. And it is this. I see things, all the time, every day, and I have for about fifteen years. Mostly I see spirals of light that cover my whole field of vision, sometimes they are red, sometimes blue, but mostly just light spirals that never stop moving. I am so use to them now that I don't notice it much, unless its really dark or really light. Sometimes flashes of blue lights appear and then disappear. But always I see something.
I use to think I was crazy. Seriously. I thought that something was wrong with my brain, or my vision, or that I was the only person to have a flashback last for almost twenty years. But in that moment it was explained, it was like this deep secret, this secret fear that I was nuts, vanished into the tigli soup.
And that was one of the highlights of the year, of my life, perhaps. Sometimes a little validation can go a long way. And if I truly am not crazy..well..now what? It means no more excuses, and it means that I can no longer hide.
I will admit though, it would be a nice change for something else to crop up into the tigli, something new, at least. Like..the winning lottery numbers...
In meditation, with your eyes open, once you reach certain states you will start to see manifestations of objects, light, and beings in the air around you. These manifestations are referred to as tigli. Not only is it normal to see these, but, is often a benchmark of progress.
When I heard this, years of uncertainty and doubt were stripped away, like stripping away disgusting wallpaper that's been hanging around far too long. Why was this such a big moment for me? Well, because I have a secret, that until that week, never came out. And it is this. I see things, all the time, every day, and I have for about fifteen years. Mostly I see spirals of light that cover my whole field of vision, sometimes they are red, sometimes blue, but mostly just light spirals that never stop moving. I am so use to them now that I don't notice it much, unless its really dark or really light. Sometimes flashes of blue lights appear and then disappear. But always I see something.
I use to think I was crazy. Seriously. I thought that something was wrong with my brain, or my vision, or that I was the only person to have a flashback last for almost twenty years. But in that moment it was explained, it was like this deep secret, this secret fear that I was nuts, vanished into the tigli soup.
And that was one of the highlights of the year, of my life, perhaps. Sometimes a little validation can go a long way. And if I truly am not crazy..well..now what? It means no more excuses, and it means that I can no longer hide.
I will admit though, it would be a nice change for something else to crop up into the tigli, something new, at least. Like..the winning lottery numbers...
Sunday, January 3, 2010
The New Year
So far, the new year has been largely symbolic of what I hope the year will be. I have spent the entire weekend by myself, except for trips to the gym, and to the grocery store. I have eaten very well, including sticking to my goal of a gluten free diet. I have rearranged two rooms, organized and scrubbed the kitchen, and am finally sleeping back in the master bedroom.
In essence, I am reclaiming this house as my own house, with no strings attached to anyone else. I am feeling the freedom of choice now, instead of the burden of responsibility. I can do whatever I want to my house, and knowing that, I am getting all sorts of strange ideas. Still, it's liberating to let go of past pain and habits, and to step into the shoes of the person I have the capacity to be.
I don't know what this year will bring. I don't know how long I will be single, or what will happen with work, or school, or family. And that's ok. If I just take it one day at a time, and do the things I need to do in order to be the person I want to be, then I am on the right path.
Being on the right path, I think, is the hard part. It's so easy to get distracted, or let others convince us other paths are better. We all have our journeys, our paths, our lives to be lived in only the way that we can live them, and when we stop being true to ourselves is when we get in trouble.
So what does this mean for me? That I need to meditate daily, that Buddhism is a cornerstone of who I am, that I live in the motto of do no harm, that I eat as healthy as possible and stay active, that I practice compassion, that I am always learning and growing, and that I share myself with my friends and family as I really am. It means that every day I must remember why I am here, that it's a short life, and that everything I do has an effect.
Well, 2010, here we go. Buckle up. It's going to be a wild ride.
In essence, I am reclaiming this house as my own house, with no strings attached to anyone else. I am feeling the freedom of choice now, instead of the burden of responsibility. I can do whatever I want to my house, and knowing that, I am getting all sorts of strange ideas. Still, it's liberating to let go of past pain and habits, and to step into the shoes of the person I have the capacity to be.
I don't know what this year will bring. I don't know how long I will be single, or what will happen with work, or school, or family. And that's ok. If I just take it one day at a time, and do the things I need to do in order to be the person I want to be, then I am on the right path.
Being on the right path, I think, is the hard part. It's so easy to get distracted, or let others convince us other paths are better. We all have our journeys, our paths, our lives to be lived in only the way that we can live them, and when we stop being true to ourselves is when we get in trouble.
So what does this mean for me? That I need to meditate daily, that Buddhism is a cornerstone of who I am, that I live in the motto of do no harm, that I eat as healthy as possible and stay active, that I practice compassion, that I am always learning and growing, and that I share myself with my friends and family as I really am. It means that every day I must remember why I am here, that it's a short life, and that everything I do has an effect.
Well, 2010, here we go. Buckle up. It's going to be a wild ride.
The Year in Review
2009 was quite the year. My divorce finally came through, I ended a serious relationship, I started school for a new career, I got really into photography, and after years of wanting to do so, I took up ballroom dancing.
There were a lot of lows, and a lot of highs. The biggest lessons came in difficult forms, but I feel like I have grown a lot as a person, and have let go of a lot of baggage.
My biggest lesson is that no one out there is going to dig me out of the holes I have dug, so its time to rely on me, and only me. My friends are great, as is my family, but they can't fix the things I feel need fixing within me. I have learned that if I can't make myself happy, no one else will be able to. I have learned that things I thought were weaknesses can be turned into strengths, and that laziness isn't an option anymore.
I have also learned that the past can hold a noose around your neck, so that any movement feels like a death sentence. But, once you recognize the noose, once you see it for what it really is, it becomes amazingly simple to remove it. So, I can now move in directions that I thought were out of reach.
I owe some big thanks to my father, my grandmother, my sister, my best friend, and my nashville friends. Without their support I would be a simmering mess in the corner of the living room. I also owe big thanks to the rinpoche who showed me kindness, and taught me that I am not crazy.
While I am thrilled to see the year is over, I also hold it close. 2009 was the year where I looked myself in the eyes, and finally, am learning to like what I see.
There were a lot of lows, and a lot of highs. The biggest lessons came in difficult forms, but I feel like I have grown a lot as a person, and have let go of a lot of baggage.
My biggest lesson is that no one out there is going to dig me out of the holes I have dug, so its time to rely on me, and only me. My friends are great, as is my family, but they can't fix the things I feel need fixing within me. I have learned that if I can't make myself happy, no one else will be able to. I have learned that things I thought were weaknesses can be turned into strengths, and that laziness isn't an option anymore.
I have also learned that the past can hold a noose around your neck, so that any movement feels like a death sentence. But, once you recognize the noose, once you see it for what it really is, it becomes amazingly simple to remove it. So, I can now move in directions that I thought were out of reach.
I owe some big thanks to my father, my grandmother, my sister, my best friend, and my nashville friends. Without their support I would be a simmering mess in the corner of the living room. I also owe big thanks to the rinpoche who showed me kindness, and taught me that I am not crazy.
While I am thrilled to see the year is over, I also hold it close. 2009 was the year where I looked myself in the eyes, and finally, am learning to like what I see.
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