Ownership

I had a mild epiphany while driving to go dancing today, right after being turned down for refinancing because I have too much debt. I wanted to go right down the easy lane of anger at brian, anger at myself, and frustration at the way circumstances have turned out. But, then I realized, all of this mess, all of this life I call my own, is mine, and mine only. I own it. And the more I give it away to other people, the more I blame others, the less its mine.

So today, I am owning my life. All the crap, all the debt, all the regrets, they are mine. It was my bad choice to marry Brian, my decision to ignore my intuition, my passiveness that let him drag me down with him. All mine.

It's been a tough road. It will stay tough. But I feel like I am rising from the ashes. I wish I could say I felt like a grand phoenix taking flight, but really, it's more like I am digging myself out of a hole that I dug a long time ago, fell in, and recently decided to come up for air. My fingernails are black from dirt, my hair is matted together, and I am covered with bruises. But I made it.

There is a reason that vampires and zombies crawl out of the ground. They are, in a sense, reborn as something new. And so am I. I like to think we can get reborn as often as we choose, and so I choose to reinvent myself on a daily basis as someone who isn't afraid to live her life. To do so, I must accept the good with the bad, and then realize that good and bad are man made delusions.

I simply am. My life simply is. And the only thing we can control in this life is how we respond to it.