Spotlight

It's been a while since I posted, and as most of you know I have been quite happily putting energy into a new relationship. So far, its amazing, and I will write more on that later. But right now I am finding that as I open myself up more to him, old demons are coming back to haunt me. The spotlight is back on, so to speak, highlighting all my insecurities and fears with a vengeance. I needed to vent, and so, here we go.

I have had four significant relationships. The first one, Bobby, was a ridiculous mess, and we both behaved in quite shameful behavior. But, we had made peace with that, and moved forward as friends, when his death sent a shockwave through me and left me with a sense of guilt. I am still working through that.

Number two was Colin, who I fell quite madly in love with and opened my heart completely to him. It wasn't long in the relationship when he cheated on me, and effectively I learned how to shut down my heart enough so that I wouldn't get hurt like that again.

Number three I met while still with Colin, but it was after we kept breaking up and getting back together, and I think that I was still punishing him for hurting me. I really wish I had the sense then that I do now to recognize my own sabotage, because things may have turned out differently. Well, Brian came along and was fun and new, and I fell into that pretty quickly. But, here's the caveat. I never let him in the way I did with Colin, I always maintained a wall of sorts. I even noticed some red flags with him right away, but I think I wanted that. If I knew he had big faults, then I kept the upper hand, then he could never hurt me too bad. Totally screwed up right? And let me tell you, that plan majorly backfired when he turned out to be a lying mental mess. And I still got hurt.

Number four was Barry, who was a great guy, but was so safe. I never let him in, because I knew he would never understand me. After Brian, I needed safe and he fit the bill, but his lack of making me a priority proved to be too much to handle.

I have been blogging since Barry and I broke up, since I realized that my inner journey to self contentment was my major priority. I have come a long way. But now, with love rising over the horizon, I see all my old fears coming out of the shadows.

My fear of not being important enough to someone. My fear of getting betrayed, of being lied to, cheated on, ignored, etc. It all comes down to the fear that this person that I hold so dearly will not feel the same, that I will somehow be found lacking, like I feel everyone else has found me to be. I won't be good enough for this person, and my heart, which is so tender, so sensitive, will once again go back into hiding.

This is my plea, god. Let me be able to open my heart fully again, to be vulnerable, to trust, and to realize that whomever I choose to do this with next will hold me in high enough regard to treat me gently. And let me choose wisely. Because right now my soul wants to be wide open, but the strong jaws of terror are keeping it locked down tight. And so, the battle begins.

I have just arrived

Another poem to share. This is based on a dream I had about my grandfather, who has alzheimers, and who I love very much.


Patients dream of me in
Other lives, a look here
A touch there,
It lets them know its me.
This isn’t the only place I belong to.

Old man you sit
Rocking chair supporting wrinkled hands,
Blue veins, bones all but breaking
Through your thin skin.
You are counting down the days
And I have just arrived.

Gravel path in the woods,
Hansel once led Gretel to you
But in your madness you brushed
Them off as stories.
Sunlight dips beneath the tree tops
Casting you in a strange orange glow
As if you were burning from within.

Old man
I have just arrived.
One day bleeds into the next.
Always I am arriving,
I am leaving,
And nothing I do will keep you from aging,
From dying.

Rotting wood and peeling paint
Form the backdrop for your
Bloodshot eyes, tired smile,
Creaking joints.
You rock back and forth.
You look me in the eyes.
You hate it when I leave.

I have just arrived
Black scarf covering my head
In this biting wind.
I do not wonder why you don’t
Look up from your lap when I touch you,
Do not wonder at the coldness
Already setting in.

It is early morning
And the birds greet the day.
It is morning in the woods, dead leaves blowing
Past us, scent of decay
In the earth.
I have just arrived,
And you did not wait for me.
Old man I am left
With sorrow black as thunder,
Heavy as the clouds.
Tell the others hello.
Tell them it’s early here,
Its cold,
And that I have just arrived.

It was here

It was here
In this silent morning
This cold kitchen
That I found god

How many nights did I suffer
Alone
How many moments
Did I doubt my reason for being here

I hit the bottom
Softly
No one knew but me
No one saw
How quickly the ground
Collapsed beneath me

I saw
And I felt it
And my anguish
Almost swallowed us all

But last night was different

I stood still
As the sun rose
Stood still
As the sky grew lighter
Stood still
As all my doubts dropped
Like broken glass onto the floor

There comes a moment
So subtle
When we can go no further
When hope is all but gone
When we alone
Afraid
At last surrender

And in this moment
We are transformed


The stillness no longer suffocates
The quiet no longer deafens

But instead we fracture
Into larger pieces of truth
Exploding in all directions

And when we are done expanding
When we have finished sleeping
Within the womb of the universe
We collapse back into
This fragile body
This beating heart

Destiny

I am going through some of my poetry, and decided to start sharing some here. Here is one I like called Destiny.

His robe is not always pulled tight
Across his head
But it always falls straight down to his feet
Where it coils and uncoils like
Snakes that are never content

Eyes like the blackest stars
Gaze across the land
Half closed eyelids that look partly within
Partly without

He moves like waves on a stormy night
Glides likes ravens across the earth
Wingless birds that somehow stay aloft

I say his name
And he answers silently
So silently that I never hear him

But we hear the things he does not say
Respond to his outstretched finger
That points the way home

When we listen he can take a breather
Feel the sunlight hit his bald head
Watch the way the mountains turn orange and pink
In the setting horizon

When we don’t hear
He must put his hood back on
Leave the mountains behind
And point once more to a place
We all fear

We are so bad at listening to his quiet instructions
That it’s been a millennium since he could stand still
And feast on the blistering sunset

In fact
He has had no chance for rest
Since he took this damn job

Led by the Heart

How life changes when the heart is the boss, instead of our head. This is one of the main things I have been striving towards of late, of listening to the heart, of letting it guide me down this subtle path. It's often hard to hear because other things drown it out: fear, worry, anxiety, grief, and daily distractions. In fact sometimes its so quiet I think that its gone and left me.

So how do I know when its speaking? I know I am truly listening to my heart, and not what my head thinks my heart is feeling, when the decisions and the thoughts are pure. By pure, I mean there is no coloring on the edges, no darkening or tearing like there would be in an old photo or a crumbled piece of paper. When the heart speaks, its voice is clear, and pure, and full of compassion. There is no ulterior motive except love, there is no wanting in it except love, there is no gain except giving and receiving love.

I have been trying to listen, and the results are remarkable. It has made dating an entirely new experience to me, and that is probably why I am still single. There is no more need to save someone, no more desire for someone to take care of me, no more selfish motives to get the validation I can now give myself. In fact, I have turned down a few men recently because I knew my reasons to date them were not true. My heart was not enamored, no matter how great they looked on paper.

Funny things start to happen when the heart leads. People you thought would be perfect fade quickly from your sight, and people you never really noticed come crashing through the front door. My reasons for living are different, my motives for being here are stronger, and are less about me.

And when the night grows darker and loneliness lurks in the shadows, I give my heart to the one thing it truly craves, which is communion with god. In the hands of the infinite I learn about love, and trust, and I realize that no one else will ever supply my heart with the grace it gets from that.

So lead the way heart. Lead me into the silent arms of the world, where I can rest my eyes and nurture my soul.

Photography

The big snow hit Nashville, and since this city doesn't seem to have any snowplows, I was more or less snowed in for the entire weekend. It was actually nice to stay home, and spend a long time by myself. Luckily, I like my company.

Even more lucky though, is the fact that I own a camera, and that part of my homework is to get comfortable and familiar with using a tripod and different lighting scenarios. I killed an amazing amount of time playing around with my camera and taking self portraits.

I have often wondered why it is I love photography so much. As long as I can remember few things make me as happy as grabbing my camera and stepping outside my door. It doesn't matter if I am walking the same trail I have walked a thousand times, or if I am somewhere completely new. I still get lost in this magical world where time slows down and the only thing that matters is trying to capture the world in a view I don't normally see it.

Photographers see the world differently. If we go on a drive around the city we notice the shadows that trees cast on the sides of buildings, we notice reflections on skyscrapers, we notice the contrast between everything. In essence, we notice light, and how it changes the way everything looks depending on its quality.

But for me, its also about capturing time. It's about the moments. I love moments, I love the way they arrive unexpectedly, the way they can be so mesmerizing, and then before you know it, they leave again. My whole life I have tried to capture these moments, and then recreate them. That's why I also love writing. I love to put moments down on paper, to try to make them immortal.

Still I know, moments come, and they go. Nothing lasts forever. But looking at a photo, I remember taking the picture, I remember the way the air smelled, the way the wind hit my skin, and I remember the feeling of peace.

Not only do I try capture these perfect moments, but every time I step through my door with my camera in hand, I also create some new moments. If we are anything in this human form, we are a collection of our moments. These frozen snapshots that we hold in our heads, in our hearts, they are what defines us. I suppose I simply want to preserve what I consider to be an extraordinary life to date, I want to cut and paste the times in my life that have shaped me. And I want to surround myself with them, so that everywhere I look I am confronted by the people who have loved me, and the places I have loved.

Ownership

I had a mild epiphany while driving to go dancing today, right after being turned down for refinancing because I have too much debt. I wanted to go right down the easy lane of anger at brian, anger at myself, and frustration at the way circumstances have turned out. But, then I realized, all of this mess, all of this life I call my own, is mine, and mine only. I own it. And the more I give it away to other people, the more I blame others, the less its mine.

So today, I am owning my life. All the crap, all the debt, all the regrets, they are mine. It was my bad choice to marry Brian, my decision to ignore my intuition, my passiveness that let him drag me down with him. All mine.

It's been a tough road. It will stay tough. But I feel like I am rising from the ashes. I wish I could say I felt like a grand phoenix taking flight, but really, it's more like I am digging myself out of a hole that I dug a long time ago, fell in, and recently decided to come up for air. My fingernails are black from dirt, my hair is matted together, and I am covered with bruises. But I made it.

There is a reason that vampires and zombies crawl out of the ground. They are, in a sense, reborn as something new. And so am I. I like to think we can get reborn as often as we choose, and so I choose to reinvent myself on a daily basis as someone who isn't afraid to live her life. To do so, I must accept the good with the bad, and then realize that good and bad are man made delusions.

I simply am. My life simply is. And the only thing we can control in this life is how we respond to it.

Guilt, the modern day oppressor

So far, I am pleased with this year. Out of the last 11 days, I have only missed one day at the gym. Already my flexibility is better than its been in about 15 years, and I am feeling more toned. I also had a ballroom dance lesson today, and gosh, I love it!!

But mainly, I am feeling free of an overriding emotion that until recently, I did not even know existed. And that would be...you guessed it..guilt! Great thanks go to my dad, who with his insight helped me realize what it was about, and how its been affecting me subconsciously.

It all started about 6 years ago when I got a phone call that my first love, Bobby, had died of a heroine overdose. We weren't together at that point, but we had remained close, and I still loved him. I think perhaps a part of me still believed we might one day get back together, once we both grew up a bit.

Well, that news took the ground away from me, and to say I was devastated might be an understatement. At the time I had just broken up with someone, but soon after got back together with them. While with him, I met my first husband, and broke up with the boyfriend to be with him. When that didn't work out, I soon after found another person to date seriously, and only recently did we break up. In other words I went from relationship to relationship, seeking something, and never finding it.

It was a simple comment, but a huge one, when my dad said a few months ago, "Maile, when are you going to stop trying to save Bobby?" And like all truths, it hit with a force that could have parted the skies. Because he was right, I found these good men but with obvious need of 'saving', and I tried to make up for what I believed could have been prevented If I had spent more time reaching out to Bobby.

Is that true? Could I have prevented his death? Who knows. I think anyone who has lost a person they love feels this. Could I have done more? Was I too selfish? How many other people around me are on the verge of relapse, of collapse, of barely making it through the day. I don't have to save him anymore, or save anyone else, but I do need to pay attention. And I need to help, when I can. In this way, I can tell Bobby that I miss him, that I'm sorry.

What the heck is tigli soup?

Over the summer, I attended an amazing week long buddhist meditation that addressed simple topics, like, reality and illusion, and how to see through the veil. It was life changing, both immediately and in the following months, but one of the biggest moments for me was the explanation of tigli.

In meditation, with your eyes open, once you reach certain states you will start to see manifestations of objects, light, and beings in the air around you. These manifestations are referred to as tigli. Not only is it normal to see these, but, is often a benchmark of progress.

When I heard this, years of uncertainty and doubt were stripped away, like stripping away disgusting wallpaper that's been hanging around far too long. Why was this such a big moment for me? Well, because I have a secret, that until that week, never came out. And it is this. I see things, all the time, every day, and I have for about fifteen years. Mostly I see spirals of light that cover my whole field of vision, sometimes they are red, sometimes blue, but mostly just light spirals that never stop moving. I am so use to them now that I don't notice it much, unless its really dark or really light. Sometimes flashes of blue lights appear and then disappear. But always I see something.

I use to think I was crazy. Seriously. I thought that something was wrong with my brain, or my vision, or that I was the only person to have a flashback last for almost twenty years. But in that moment it was explained, it was like this deep secret, this secret fear that I was nuts, vanished into the tigli soup.

And that was one of the highlights of the year, of my life, perhaps. Sometimes a little validation can go a long way. And if I truly am not crazy..well..now what? It means no more excuses, and it means that I can no longer hide.

I will admit though, it would be a nice change for something else to crop up into the tigli, something new, at least. Like..the winning lottery numbers...

The New Year

So far, the new year has been largely symbolic of what I hope the year will be. I have spent the entire weekend by myself, except for trips to the gym, and to the grocery store. I have eaten very well, including sticking to my goal of a gluten free diet. I have rearranged two rooms, organized and scrubbed the kitchen, and am finally sleeping back in the master bedroom.

In essence, I am reclaiming this house as my own house, with no strings attached to anyone else. I am feeling the freedom of choice now, instead of the burden of responsibility. I can do whatever I want to my house, and knowing that, I am getting all sorts of strange ideas. Still, it's liberating to let go of past pain and habits, and to step into the shoes of the person I have the capacity to be.

I don't know what this year will bring. I don't know how long I will be single, or what will happen with work, or school, or family. And that's ok. If I just take it one day at a time, and do the things I need to do in order to be the person I want to be, then I am on the right path.

Being on the right path, I think, is the hard part. It's so easy to get distracted, or let others convince us other paths are better. We all have our journeys, our paths, our lives to be lived in only the way that we can live them, and when we stop being true to ourselves is when we get in trouble.

So what does this mean for me? That I need to meditate daily, that Buddhism is a cornerstone of who I am, that I live in the motto of do no harm, that I eat as healthy as possible and stay active, that I practice compassion, that I am always learning and growing, and that I share myself with my friends and family as I really am. It means that every day I must remember why I am here, that it's a short life, and that everything I do has an effect.

Well, 2010, here we go. Buckle up. It's going to be a wild ride.

The Year in Review

2009 was quite the year. My divorce finally came through, I ended a serious relationship, I started school for a new career, I got really into photography, and after years of wanting to do so, I took up ballroom dancing.

There were a lot of lows, and a lot of highs. The biggest lessons came in difficult forms, but I feel like I have grown a lot as a person, and have let go of a lot of baggage.

My biggest lesson is that no one out there is going to dig me out of the holes I have dug, so its time to rely on me, and only me. My friends are great, as is my family, but they can't fix the things I feel need fixing within me. I have learned that if I can't make myself happy, no one else will be able to. I have learned that things I thought were weaknesses can be turned into strengths, and that laziness isn't an option anymore.

I have also learned that the past can hold a noose around your neck, so that any movement feels like a death sentence. But, once you recognize the noose, once you see it for what it really is, it becomes amazingly simple to remove it. So, I can now move in directions that I thought were out of reach.

I owe some big thanks to my father, my grandmother, my sister, my best friend, and my nashville friends. Without their support I would be a simmering mess in the corner of the living room. I also owe big thanks to the rinpoche who showed me kindness, and taught me that I am not crazy.

While I am thrilled to see the year is over, I also hold it close. 2009 was the year where I looked myself in the eyes, and finally, am learning to like what I see.