Micro Cosmic Circuit

In my meditations I have been trying to better understand the cosmic orbit, or flow of energy in the body. There is a flow of energy that runs along the front centerline of the body, down into the dan tien, through the pelvis, and up along the back centerline of the body. These both flow very superficially along the spine, and include the chakras. there is one more deep channel the runs along the middle of the spine, and carries the most energy.

I have come to experience that the dan tien holds my center, my grounding, calm energy. When I operate from this space, I am secure, calm, loving, and centered. When I operate from the heart center, things are much more chaotic and easily changing. The dan tien grounds me, and my heart expresses and feels the energy around me. I think of the heart as feeling the energy of the world around me, and my dan tien as holding my primordial energy, the place where I can find safety.

I have a tendency to not want to fully acknowledge certain emotions, especially anger and grief. Those happen to be the two emotions that I have battled with in the past, the ones that come up the most often. I am trying to hold them in my awareness while I meditate, to see them for what they have to say to me, and to not judge or attach to them.

Today I felt that my anger sits high on my body, along my neck and shoulders. When I dont fully recognize it, it weighs me down, and blocks my energy along those pathways. Grief sits below it, heavier and denser, along the heart area. AGain, if not recognized it creates a sense of heaviness, and further blockage. I think the key is to see them, feel them, bring them into my meditation and down into my dan tien, so that the front channel can move smoothly. Then, with the wisdom of my dan tien, let the energy run along the back of my body into the grief and anger, infusing them with wisdom, and with the ability to act differently because of those emotions.

I struggle with integrating all of my emotions into my theoretical framework, because I still attach negative and positive to my emotional state, especially if it steers me away from being loving and peaceful. Energetically though, they just are what they are, and must be processed accordingly.

I struggle to end my suffering, which in turn causes more suffering. Sometimes its just so hard to get out of the way!!

Perhaps I need to remove all labels, sit with whatever energy is around me, and just be. Without the label of being a negative, potentially dangerous emotion, what would my anger really feel like?

Once more, with feeling

I took a break from the blog, seeing as how I had my flood email list which acted as my new blog. Now that the flood drama is past, I find the need to give voice to my emotions and thoughts, even though I have nothing of great merit to say.

My therapist has been great in helping me realize the way in which I process, regroup, and let go. I am an introvert, meaning I process internally, on an often subtle and unconscious level. I may not feel any great urge to discuss most of my thoughts with people, but she has made me see I need to let out all the shadowy forms that linger in my daily experiences.

So, once more I pick up the thread of my thoughts, and this time I truly realize how imperative it is for me to do so. Today, in therapy, we found on old part of me, one that has been with me since birth, quite possibly even before then. That part of me carries a deep sorrow about the world we live in, the choices people make, and the lack of compassion on display. That part of me carries anger at the world, and a rough cynicism that at times makes me want to give up. That part of me is sad, volatile, and none too happy to be here.

But, that part also sees that I am here, and that I can make a difference. So I take on peoples burdens, their energy, their fear and despair, and I try to transform it into something else, or at least let it go. This is something I have done my whole life, only recently have I become aware of it enough to get a handle on it. I feel as if that is my purpose here, that in this world of pain I can help carry some of it for others.

The problem is that I carry it too long, and I get overwhelmed, and exhausted, and want to quit. I dont know how to fully let it go, even if its not mine. I look at the people around me and I just want to take away the sadness and hurt and let them know for one small moment how loved they are by the universe. I want them to see that this is not the true reality, that love exists beyond the games and hunger, that we arent bound by our own limitations. I want this so bad it breaks my heart time and time again.

The journey now, for me, is learning to really cleanse myself of other peoples energies, and then to really look at why I do this. Is it a way to make myself feel I am not a burden to this world? Is it a form of self punishment? Is it my soul trying to make up for the past the only way it knows how? And lastly, am I doing anyone any favors if they can't fully work through their own energy blockages?

I do not think that spirituality is supposed to be a burden, and that being a healer should be so heavy. Really, though, I have no idea. No one claimed the path to enlightenment would be an easy one.