I took a break from the blog, seeing as how I had my flood email list which acted as my new blog. Now that the flood drama is past, I find the need to give voice to my emotions and thoughts, even though I have nothing of great merit to say.
My therapist has been great in helping me realize the way in which I process, regroup, and let go. I am an introvert, meaning I process internally, on an often subtle and unconscious level. I may not feel any great urge to discuss most of my thoughts with people, but she has made me see I need to let out all the shadowy forms that linger in my daily experiences.
So, once more I pick up the thread of my thoughts, and this time I truly realize how imperative it is for me to do so. Today, in therapy, we found on old part of me, one that has been with me since birth, quite possibly even before then. That part of me carries a deep sorrow about the world we live in, the choices people make, and the lack of compassion on display. That part of me carries anger at the world, and a rough cynicism that at times makes me want to give up. That part of me is sad, volatile, and none too happy to be here.
But, that part also sees that I am here, and that I can make a difference. So I take on peoples burdens, their energy, their fear and despair, and I try to transform it into something else, or at least let it go. This is something I have done my whole life, only recently have I become aware of it enough to get a handle on it. I feel as if that is my purpose here, that in this world of pain I can help carry some of it for others.
The problem is that I carry it too long, and I get overwhelmed, and exhausted, and want to quit. I dont know how to fully let it go, even if its not mine. I look at the people around me and I just want to take away the sadness and hurt and let them know for one small moment how loved they are by the universe. I want them to see that this is not the true reality, that love exists beyond the games and hunger, that we arent bound by our own limitations. I want this so bad it breaks my heart time and time again.
The journey now, for me, is learning to really cleanse myself of other peoples energies, and then to really look at why I do this. Is it a way to make myself feel I am not a burden to this world? Is it a form of self punishment? Is it my soul trying to make up for the past the only way it knows how? And lastly, am I doing anyone any favors if they can't fully work through their own energy blockages?
I do not think that spirituality is supposed to be a burden, and that being a healer should be so heavy. Really, though, I have no idea. No one claimed the path to enlightenment would be an easy one.
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Thank you for sharing...
ReplyDeleteReminds me of a story....
The Buddha's early stage of awakening was not simply that he (alone), or that many, or most suffer, but rather a deep realization that ALL (human) beings endured suffering. He observed the ephemeral world's transitory formations as companion threads woven in the very fabric of the (human) landcape. From this kernal strength (of propelled heart), arose the foundation dynamo of Buddha's personal journey. Seems logical, that eventually over aeons every sentient entity shall tred similar path to enlightenment.
Knowing that "anger" arises from thwarted desires, permits us to consider how we may be attaching to the expectation of a (specific) outcome, therby illuminating hidden motives. In this manner, we learn the true patterns, habits, and forms leading to our individual and collective delusions. This then provides insight into the "clearing and cooling" of our heart.
Yet seems natural that "despondancy" may arise, as we become overwhelmed with the decision to slay these (negation patterns) we've come to know so well.
Equally spurring overwhelmed state, when we arise to view the intersection of our individual universes (that compose this ephemeral world); also viewing that each universe is spining on it's own grand center (nucleus) -- and that we are limited in our capacity to influence the ephemeral world -- indeed limited to that small region of intersection; so bound unable to reach nucleus of the other universe(s). So how do we make a difference (with our new found compassion, and resonant heart) ?
Perhaps, one key consideration is we may still the oscillations Within our universe... to subjugate the ephemeral human being, or get out of the way, to allow the Divine spark to set the pure flame of our Chitta (Heart, Spiritualized Atom, Nucleus)... in this manner, perhaps the interaction of our Universe with other universes may be beneficially harmonized ? Like a gentle rain shower, or cool breeze... making such a calm and cooling difference... ? And properly timed, this is a power beyond any ephemeral action ? !
Is this how / why the Buddha sought the supreme solution by reversing the spotlight of the senses, and looking "within"? Arising "fully awakened" from under the Banyan tree ? Only then able to shine with the sublime smile, lighting the hearts of millions ?