So far, I am pleased with this year. Out of the last 11 days, I have only missed one day at the gym. Already my flexibility is better than its been in about 15 years, and I am feeling more toned. I also had a ballroom dance lesson today, and gosh, I love it!!
But mainly, I am feeling free of an overriding emotion that until recently, I did not even know existed. And that would be...you guessed it..guilt! Great thanks go to my dad, who with his insight helped me realize what it was about, and how its been affecting me subconsciously.
It all started about 6 years ago when I got a phone call that my first love, Bobby, had died of a heroine overdose. We weren't together at that point, but we had remained close, and I still loved him. I think perhaps a part of me still believed we might one day get back together, once we both grew up a bit.
Well, that news took the ground away from me, and to say I was devastated might be an understatement. At the time I had just broken up with someone, but soon after got back together with them. While with him, I met my first husband, and broke up with the boyfriend to be with him. When that didn't work out, I soon after found another person to date seriously, and only recently did we break up. In other words I went from relationship to relationship, seeking something, and never finding it.
It was a simple comment, but a huge one, when my dad said a few months ago, "Maile, when are you going to stop trying to save Bobby?" And like all truths, it hit with a force that could have parted the skies. Because he was right, I found these good men but with obvious need of 'saving', and I tried to make up for what I believed could have been prevented If I had spent more time reaching out to Bobby.
Is that true? Could I have prevented his death? Who knows. I think anyone who has lost a person they love feels this. Could I have done more? Was I too selfish? How many other people around me are on the verge of relapse, of collapse, of barely making it through the day. I don't have to save him anymore, or save anyone else, but I do need to pay attention. And I need to help, when I can. In this way, I can tell Bobby that I miss him, that I'm sorry.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I know I left a comment on this post. Did you see it?
ReplyDeleteGuilt is such a huge problem. I'm still working on learning to deal with guilt, it rules my life at times. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when Bobby died. I never knew him and didn't understand how much he meant to you. I'm glad you are feeling stronger.
ReplyDeleteThat is sweet. You were there for me. It's hard to know how to be there for someone.
ReplyDeleteGuilt is a tough emotion, and people pull it out and wield it around like a secret weapon. It's a manipulator when used by others. I am still trying to understand its source.