Breathe

Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.

Inhale.
Exhale.

Inhale.

Stillness.

Micro Cosmic Circuit

In my meditations I have been trying to better understand the cosmic orbit, or flow of energy in the body. There is a flow of energy that runs along the front centerline of the body, down into the dan tien, through the pelvis, and up along the back centerline of the body. These both flow very superficially along the spine, and include the chakras. there is one more deep channel the runs along the middle of the spine, and carries the most energy.

I have come to experience that the dan tien holds my center, my grounding, calm energy. When I operate from this space, I am secure, calm, loving, and centered. When I operate from the heart center, things are much more chaotic and easily changing. The dan tien grounds me, and my heart expresses and feels the energy around me. I think of the heart as feeling the energy of the world around me, and my dan tien as holding my primordial energy, the place where I can find safety.

I have a tendency to not want to fully acknowledge certain emotions, especially anger and grief. Those happen to be the two emotions that I have battled with in the past, the ones that come up the most often. I am trying to hold them in my awareness while I meditate, to see them for what they have to say to me, and to not judge or attach to them.

Today I felt that my anger sits high on my body, along my neck and shoulders. When I dont fully recognize it, it weighs me down, and blocks my energy along those pathways. Grief sits below it, heavier and denser, along the heart area. AGain, if not recognized it creates a sense of heaviness, and further blockage. I think the key is to see them, feel them, bring them into my meditation and down into my dan tien, so that the front channel can move smoothly. Then, with the wisdom of my dan tien, let the energy run along the back of my body into the grief and anger, infusing them with wisdom, and with the ability to act differently because of those emotions.

I struggle with integrating all of my emotions into my theoretical framework, because I still attach negative and positive to my emotional state, especially if it steers me away from being loving and peaceful. Energetically though, they just are what they are, and must be processed accordingly.

I struggle to end my suffering, which in turn causes more suffering. Sometimes its just so hard to get out of the way!!

Perhaps I need to remove all labels, sit with whatever energy is around me, and just be. Without the label of being a negative, potentially dangerous emotion, what would my anger really feel like?

Once more, with feeling

I took a break from the blog, seeing as how I had my flood email list which acted as my new blog. Now that the flood drama is past, I find the need to give voice to my emotions and thoughts, even though I have nothing of great merit to say.

My therapist has been great in helping me realize the way in which I process, regroup, and let go. I am an introvert, meaning I process internally, on an often subtle and unconscious level. I may not feel any great urge to discuss most of my thoughts with people, but she has made me see I need to let out all the shadowy forms that linger in my daily experiences.

So, once more I pick up the thread of my thoughts, and this time I truly realize how imperative it is for me to do so. Today, in therapy, we found on old part of me, one that has been with me since birth, quite possibly even before then. That part of me carries a deep sorrow about the world we live in, the choices people make, and the lack of compassion on display. That part of me carries anger at the world, and a rough cynicism that at times makes me want to give up. That part of me is sad, volatile, and none too happy to be here.

But, that part also sees that I am here, and that I can make a difference. So I take on peoples burdens, their energy, their fear and despair, and I try to transform it into something else, or at least let it go. This is something I have done my whole life, only recently have I become aware of it enough to get a handle on it. I feel as if that is my purpose here, that in this world of pain I can help carry some of it for others.

The problem is that I carry it too long, and I get overwhelmed, and exhausted, and want to quit. I dont know how to fully let it go, even if its not mine. I look at the people around me and I just want to take away the sadness and hurt and let them know for one small moment how loved they are by the universe. I want them to see that this is not the true reality, that love exists beyond the games and hunger, that we arent bound by our own limitations. I want this so bad it breaks my heart time and time again.

The journey now, for me, is learning to really cleanse myself of other peoples energies, and then to really look at why I do this. Is it a way to make myself feel I am not a burden to this world? Is it a form of self punishment? Is it my soul trying to make up for the past the only way it knows how? And lastly, am I doing anyone any favors if they can't fully work through their own energy blockages?

I do not think that spirituality is supposed to be a burden, and that being a healer should be so heavy. Really, though, I have no idea. No one claimed the path to enlightenment would be an easy one.

Spotlight

It's been a while since I posted, and as most of you know I have been quite happily putting energy into a new relationship. So far, its amazing, and I will write more on that later. But right now I am finding that as I open myself up more to him, old demons are coming back to haunt me. The spotlight is back on, so to speak, highlighting all my insecurities and fears with a vengeance. I needed to vent, and so, here we go.

I have had four significant relationships. The first one, Bobby, was a ridiculous mess, and we both behaved in quite shameful behavior. But, we had made peace with that, and moved forward as friends, when his death sent a shockwave through me and left me with a sense of guilt. I am still working through that.

Number two was Colin, who I fell quite madly in love with and opened my heart completely to him. It wasn't long in the relationship when he cheated on me, and effectively I learned how to shut down my heart enough so that I wouldn't get hurt like that again.

Number three I met while still with Colin, but it was after we kept breaking up and getting back together, and I think that I was still punishing him for hurting me. I really wish I had the sense then that I do now to recognize my own sabotage, because things may have turned out differently. Well, Brian came along and was fun and new, and I fell into that pretty quickly. But, here's the caveat. I never let him in the way I did with Colin, I always maintained a wall of sorts. I even noticed some red flags with him right away, but I think I wanted that. If I knew he had big faults, then I kept the upper hand, then he could never hurt me too bad. Totally screwed up right? And let me tell you, that plan majorly backfired when he turned out to be a lying mental mess. And I still got hurt.

Number four was Barry, who was a great guy, but was so safe. I never let him in, because I knew he would never understand me. After Brian, I needed safe and he fit the bill, but his lack of making me a priority proved to be too much to handle.

I have been blogging since Barry and I broke up, since I realized that my inner journey to self contentment was my major priority. I have come a long way. But now, with love rising over the horizon, I see all my old fears coming out of the shadows.

My fear of not being important enough to someone. My fear of getting betrayed, of being lied to, cheated on, ignored, etc. It all comes down to the fear that this person that I hold so dearly will not feel the same, that I will somehow be found lacking, like I feel everyone else has found me to be. I won't be good enough for this person, and my heart, which is so tender, so sensitive, will once again go back into hiding.

This is my plea, god. Let me be able to open my heart fully again, to be vulnerable, to trust, and to realize that whomever I choose to do this with next will hold me in high enough regard to treat me gently. And let me choose wisely. Because right now my soul wants to be wide open, but the strong jaws of terror are keeping it locked down tight. And so, the battle begins.

I have just arrived

Another poem to share. This is based on a dream I had about my grandfather, who has alzheimers, and who I love very much.


Patients dream of me in
Other lives, a look here
A touch there,
It lets them know its me.
This isn’t the only place I belong to.

Old man you sit
Rocking chair supporting wrinkled hands,
Blue veins, bones all but breaking
Through your thin skin.
You are counting down the days
And I have just arrived.

Gravel path in the woods,
Hansel once led Gretel to you
But in your madness you brushed
Them off as stories.
Sunlight dips beneath the tree tops
Casting you in a strange orange glow
As if you were burning from within.

Old man
I have just arrived.
One day bleeds into the next.
Always I am arriving,
I am leaving,
And nothing I do will keep you from aging,
From dying.

Rotting wood and peeling paint
Form the backdrop for your
Bloodshot eyes, tired smile,
Creaking joints.
You rock back and forth.
You look me in the eyes.
You hate it when I leave.

I have just arrived
Black scarf covering my head
In this biting wind.
I do not wonder why you don’t
Look up from your lap when I touch you,
Do not wonder at the coldness
Already setting in.

It is early morning
And the birds greet the day.
It is morning in the woods, dead leaves blowing
Past us, scent of decay
In the earth.
I have just arrived,
And you did not wait for me.
Old man I am left
With sorrow black as thunder,
Heavy as the clouds.
Tell the others hello.
Tell them it’s early here,
Its cold,
And that I have just arrived.

It was here

It was here
In this silent morning
This cold kitchen
That I found god

How many nights did I suffer
Alone
How many moments
Did I doubt my reason for being here

I hit the bottom
Softly
No one knew but me
No one saw
How quickly the ground
Collapsed beneath me

I saw
And I felt it
And my anguish
Almost swallowed us all

But last night was different

I stood still
As the sun rose
Stood still
As the sky grew lighter
Stood still
As all my doubts dropped
Like broken glass onto the floor

There comes a moment
So subtle
When we can go no further
When hope is all but gone
When we alone
Afraid
At last surrender

And in this moment
We are transformed


The stillness no longer suffocates
The quiet no longer deafens

But instead we fracture
Into larger pieces of truth
Exploding in all directions

And when we are done expanding
When we have finished sleeping
Within the womb of the universe
We collapse back into
This fragile body
This beating heart

Destiny

I am going through some of my poetry, and decided to start sharing some here. Here is one I like called Destiny.

His robe is not always pulled tight
Across his head
But it always falls straight down to his feet
Where it coils and uncoils like
Snakes that are never content

Eyes like the blackest stars
Gaze across the land
Half closed eyelids that look partly within
Partly without

He moves like waves on a stormy night
Glides likes ravens across the earth
Wingless birds that somehow stay aloft

I say his name
And he answers silently
So silently that I never hear him

But we hear the things he does not say
Respond to his outstretched finger
That points the way home

When we listen he can take a breather
Feel the sunlight hit his bald head
Watch the way the mountains turn orange and pink
In the setting horizon

When we don’t hear
He must put his hood back on
Leave the mountains behind
And point once more to a place
We all fear

We are so bad at listening to his quiet instructions
That it’s been a millennium since he could stand still
And feast on the blistering sunset

In fact
He has had no chance for rest
Since he took this damn job